this is walter's flat
Our Golden Retriever Walter turns 3 years old this November.
In the most cliché way possible - this is Walter’s flat, we just happen to be here. We live to serve his Royal Goldenness’s every whim, and so does the flat (bear with me, I’ll get there, I promise).
My friends often say things to me like, “Oh he can have a little bit from the table can’t he?” or “He can come off his lead for a little while right?” followed by “I feel so bad for him!”
Firstly. No. He has an incredibly sensitive stomach, and has no qualms about waking me up at 2 AM, 3 AM, 3:30 AM, and 4 AM because he needs to go outside. Also. He is a GOLDEN RETRIEVER - he is NOT TO BE TRUSTED off his lead around picnics.
But secondly, do not feel bad for our dog.
He is incredibly spoiled and lives a charmed life. Do not let his earnest, lying, puppy dog eyes fool you. He is taking advantage of you.
Let me walk you through Walter’s day. He wakes up after a mere 16 hours of sleep, incredibly taxed from the trials and tribulations of the day prior, and meanders into the kitchen where he waits for his six (yes six) morning vitamins. Then it’s off to the park for his morning exercise; playing fetch, chewing sticks, romping around with the local k9 crew.
If he turns his head in just the right direction, you can hear the wind whistling loudly through the empty space between his ears.
After returning home, he promptly waits by his bowl for his breakfast of incredibly overpriced, freshly prepared dog food mixed with a little bit of specially blended Golden Retriever kibble, flavour enhanced with some hot water, and garnished with four pumps of salmon oil.
It takes him approximately 1.37 seconds to finish this carefully crafted meal.
His Lordship then saunters over to the cabinet where he keeps his treats and demands a puffed chicken foot, which he proceeds to demolish in the blink of an eye. Next in his incredibly busy schedule, the Furry Emperor requires access to the terrace, so that he might survey the peasants travelling the roads of his mighty kingdom. After a short six hour nap, he wakes and is escorted back to the local park for his afternoon reign of terror, frightening unsuspecting small children with his aggressive dopiness.
In the evenings, the One True Ruler indulges in a carrot or special chew, but is cruelly forced to wait until the ungodly hour of 7:30 PM for his second elaborate production and a second puffed chicken foot. To finish the evening off, he takes a stroll around the streets of his Kingdom to ensure peace & prosperity amongst this subjects, then completes his daily routine with a final two puffed chicken feet (as a nightcap).
…spoiled. And honestly that’s just scratching the surface of a typical day.
When Walter was a puppy, he slept in a crate in our room - where we happen to play loud rain noises at night. When he eventually moved out of our room into the living room, he kept the habit of listening to rain noises while he slept. They comfort him. It’s also how he learned to tolerate being alone if we (god forbid) ever had to leave him for an hour or two. Now as a fully grown agent of destruction, there are rain noises, Walter immediately drops into sleep mode - which is the entire point of this post, even our flat serves Walter.
Katy & I both have our phones, and Walter has his own GPS tracker - so Home Assistant knows who is home at all times. If Katy & I are ever both away from the house, it immediately begins comforting Walter; the blinds are closed, the lights are dimmed, the rain noises come on, and His Majesty curls up on the sofa for some well deserved rest. The presence-based lighting is disabled, the flat doesn’t want him disturbed by harsh lighting whilst he is recharging his chaos batteries. Whenever Katy or I enter the “home” zone drawn around the flat, everything slowly reverts to normal and the King is alerted that his staff will soon be home. …I think I’ve truly lost it with that automation.